Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize