I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
