he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
