omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
