I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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