I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
