Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Who died my cat blue again?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
