I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I have post one night stand depression
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