Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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