he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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