I'm so fucking centered right now
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
