new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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