She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
