Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
