and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
