carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
