So drunk its hurt
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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