I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair