That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.