The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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