on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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