I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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