I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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