Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
