Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
