i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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