I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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