I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
