Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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