Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
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possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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