I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
