I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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