i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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