I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
