Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
