I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
