i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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