Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
