I wish I only lived at night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
