$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
