Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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