I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
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He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
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She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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