I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
