Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
