he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
