OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
