Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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