I just pynch a tree in the face
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
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You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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