I'd wear matching sweaters with you
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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