I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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