Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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