my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
