sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
