I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Found your dick twin last night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Randomize
