May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
